My right hand gripped the pen as it frantically flitted across the pages in an effort to document the revelation that seemed to be pouring into me like water from a broken dam. I was desperate for the pain I had been enduring to be soothed by the promise of His Words. I needed them like a drowning swimmer needs a life vest. Looking back, I can almost feel the anguish my soul was carrying at that time. Little did I know that the sound of God’s voice that morning would change the trajectory of my life.

The air was thick and the sun, blazing. It was a sunny and sweltering morning in the summer of July 2017. I sat on the steps leading to my house. My phone laid next to me highlighting the YouVersion Bible app and my journal sprawled open across my lap. I anxiously swatted flies and other unknown insects as they buzzed past my face. I could feel the scorching impact of the sun’s rays where it mercilessly bludgeoned my feet. I tried to keep my entire body in the shade that my narrow porch provided to no avail. Needless to say, I was uncomfortable.

Yet still, I persevered, determined to hear what God would say to me.

As clear as day, I heard His still, small voice say, “Wait”. A four-letter word that would later morph into my version of a prison sentence was in that moment, a breath of fresh air. You see my life was in a season of major transition. I had painfully parted ways with many friendships that needed to end and received a promotion at work that I hadn’t even applied for and wasn’t sure I wanted. It consisted of a much larger workload, only slightly more pay, a new position, supervisor, department, co-workers and an overall new demographic. I had also just completed my second semester of college and was gravely sleep deprived and to top it all off I’d just officially broken things off with the man I was certain would have been my husband. I was heartbroken, nervous, and afraid. There was not a single area of my life that remained the same. In what seemed like the blink of an eye I was a foreigner in my own life.

So in my mind the word wait was God’s way of assuring me that eventually, my life would go back to the way it had been. I was certain that after some time had passed my ex and I would reconcile and I’d eventually regain lost friendships. I allowed myself to believe that my school/work balance would get easier and that at some miraculous point my current life would pick up where my former life had dropped off.

As you may be able to guess, that is not what happened. I was in for a rude awakening. While I did have to wait, the experience and the outcome was not at all what I had expected or even hoped it to be.

Yours Truly, August 2019, MIA International Airport, Miami Florida

Reality Check: God took my hand and led me down a long winding road. Along this road there were many pitstops and with each stop came a new lesson. One by one I was forced to part ways with all of the things I had thought I was waiting for and come to terms with the fact that life would never go back to the way I thought it would be. This was true almost solely because I, myself would never go back to the person I had formerly been.

I’ve spent the last four years single, struggling in the arena of friendship, mastering the concept of seasonal relationships and assignments, as well as serving others well in difficult circumstances. I’ve stood in front of countless open graves as my loved ones were laid to rest and during this time I was also led to leave a church that had once been my spiritual refuge. While I eventually graduated with a well-earned degree I also lost the very job where I served faithfully for four years. With a heavy heart, I walked away from a position that had both challenged and grown me in more ways than I could have initially imagined. Perhaps the most difficult separation was that I had to divorce my heart from the belief that my ex would one day return and that the two of us would run off into the sunset together. Almost four years of hope dashed. As a result, I often found myself wrestling with uncertainty, anxiety and struggling to fully lean in and trust God. On the other hand, I have grown. Boy oh boy, have I grown.

Lessons Learned.

I had to learn and am still learning if I’m honest, to surrender control to the One who knows it all. More recently, I have begun to see that most, if not all of the things I had asked God for in previous seasons of my life I asked for without the capacity or the wisdom to sustain them. Like the prodigal son in the Bible, if God had granted my requests I would have squandered it all because my character was lacking. I lacked the patience to be the friend I sought. I lacked the discipline to work towards the goals I had set. I lacked the humility to weather the highs and lows of success. What I did have though was all of the insecurities and past wounds to sabotage any relationship that came my way, a sharp tongue and a short fuse.

I needed the wait.

Food For Thought: Waiting on God is as much about learning to trust Him as it is about who we are becoming.

I was once convinced that I was waiting on people, places and things and when combined this compilation would create my life’s perfect destination. I’d be successful, have more degrees than a thermometer, a man who adored me, I would have traveled the world, and would have been my own version of an “it girl”. But what I can see clearly in hindsight is that I would have been empty… I would have been a person with many possessions but no substance. I have since learned that waiting is the way that God builds our character.

There Are Still Roses In the Wilderness…

In the Bible, God made a proclamation over His son, Jesus Christ and then immediately sent Him into the wilderness to be tempted. This scripture reminds me so much of the last four years of my life. Like Jesus, God spoke to me and then I was sent to both learn and endure. One could not be accomplished without the other and together they forged “the wait”. The wilderness is filled with thorns, wild animals and endless potential threats, but there is beauty there too. There are still roses in the wilderness.

Along this journey the view has often been beautiful, breathtaking even. I have been privileged to travel to a little chunk of this beautiful world. I have met some of the most beautiful and amazing individuals, I have exercised the grace to love people deeply in the seasons that God has assigned us to each other, and to love them from a distance once that season comes to an end. I thrived in the sphere of academia, I’ve received awards and scholarships and I have the the photos and accolades to prove it. Even while I waited, I experienced flowers in full bloom. This taught me the duality of waiting.

Yours Truly, April 2018, The Swiss Alps, Salzburg, Austria

I enjoyed the splendor of the roses while enduring the pain of the thorns, and I have gained the knowledge that one simply cannot exist without the other. In order to grow into our full selves we must go through a period of waiting and in order to wait we must endure the process, as painful as it may be.

If we wait on God, surrender to His process and partner with Him to do the difficult work in us, (AND IT WILL BE DIFFICULT) it will always be well worth it. Who we become will be well worth it. Our waiting is God’s roadmap to who we truly are. So wait well, Beloved. Wait well.

When God Says "Wait",